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The Bachelorette: Houston, We Have a New Villain

Lena Grossman

Jojo and her men continued on their journey of love this week starting in Pennsylvania and venturing all the way to Uruguay (note to James Taylor: Uruguay is a country in South America). The return of the Chad was less than anti-climactic, but we must commend the producers for leaving on the edge of our seats wondering what crazy antics Chad would come up with next. 

The last rose ceremony at Nemacolin Woodlands Resort (they had a great commercial btw and receive rave reviews on Trip Advisor) lacked some drama, but at least James F. read his poem to Jojo before he went home. Maybe he should stick to owning boxing clubs. Anyway, as the adventures in Uruguay unraveled, Jordan was blessed with the first date. Jordan and Jojo went yachting and swam with seals. So much better than Ben's season when they swam with hogs in the Bahamas. Jojo's affection for Jordan is pretty clear, making him seem like the Lauren B. of last season. However, the men love discussing how Jojo is so perceptive, and maybe one day they'll see past Jordan. Is he even here for the right reasons? Who knows.

 If anything, we know Jordan is there for the spa days

If anything, we know Jordan is there for the spa days

On the group date, Jojo and the boys went sand surfing and Derek looked uncomfortable because he was jealous of the other guys. Derek then went full vulnerable boy and stole Jojo aside at the dinner party to tell her that he didn't want to "lose their connection" because he gets jealous of the other guys, which really shows how much he cares about her. The guys—mainly Alex—took it upon themselves to target Derek as the next villain. But is he actually the newest Chad? Only time will tell.

"America's hero" turns into a zero

Alex turned into the hero for a hot sec after he prevailed on the awkward two-on-one date. The men praised him because he got rid of Chad, therefore dubbing him "America's next hero." That mentality didn't last long, however, because Alex then took it upon himself to quickly find the next person to target. Is it Jordan? Is it Derek? Well, why not both? 

Alex clearly has a huge Napoleonic complex and needs to find other people to hate in order to save himself. For some reason, Alex took such offense to Derek's momentary vulnerability. Alex saw Derek's emotions as a ruse and an easy method of getting to Jojo by stepping on the other guys. As Alex said when Derek was confronting him, "We done here." We surely are not.

One quick clarification

There's Derek with the rose (who sometimes has an uncanny resemblance to John Krasinski):

And then there's Derrick Rose:

Robby could definitely be a frontrunner

Jojo's last one-on-one date in Uruguay with Robby finally gave him some air time. We know she likes him, and the date helped show why. They got the local treatment in Uruguay and then jumped off a cliff—into the depths of the unknown—and made out a lot. Robby then told Jojo he loved her because he lives a carpe diem life. Robby could definitely be the next Bachelor if Jojo decides to stick with Jordan.

Bye Evan and Damn, Daniel is gone

Perhaps the highlight of the episode was bidding adieu to Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist with 3 kids. He looked genuinely so intrigued and baffled by the In Touch article drama about Jojo's ex-boyfriend, also aptly named Chad. Evan means well, but there was no way he could compete with the likes of Jordan and Robby. Maybe next time, Evan.

In other sad news, Damn Daniel the Canadian got sent home. He questioned Jojo's intentions and even went so far as to claim that if The Bachelorette were based on looks, he would obviously still be there. In fact, he would be the winner. Keep on winning, Daniel.

From The Vault: 30 Rock's Jenna Maroney

Aliza Faragher

From The Vault is a series in which we analyze classic TV & Film characters to determine their matching astrological sign.

There are some things in life that are constant. The sun always sets in the west, the moon will always control the tides and 30 Rock will always be one of the greatest comedies ever to grace network television. Naturally everyone has a favorite 30 Rock personality but it’s safe to say that the shows most unhinged character is Jenna Maroney. For this week’s FTV, we decided to analyze Maroney—and her many personalities—and see the reflection of the cosmos in one of TV's most deranged and iconic characters. 

Aries:

Taurus:

Gemini:

Cancer:

Leo: 

Virgo:

Libra:

Scorpio:

8 scorpio.gif

Sagittarius:

Capricorn:

Aquarius:

Pisces:

We salute you, Jenna. 

end.gif

7 Times Mary-Kate & Ashley Were the Realest Geminis

Lena Grossman

On June 13, Mary-Kate and Ashely—aka the Olsen Twins, MK&A, the most influential people of our youth—turned 30. Does that make us feel old or what? 

MK&A began their acting career way in the early days of their youth on Full House and continued to grace the screen with their mystery series of "solving crime before dinner time" and numerous other films. We grew up with Mary-Kate and Ashley's different personalities and we saw them grow up on screen. From first kisses in Holiday in the Sun to some pretty hot boyfriends in New York Minute, MK&A never disappointed us with fun, adventurous, and envy-inducing movies. 

Their being twins also spookily falls right in the middle of Gemini season. MK&A so perfectly fit the Gemini mold because on screen they always played two opposite personalities. Off-screen, they had their dual lives of film and fashion. Now that they're over acting, they have fun socialite lives instead (hello Mary-Kate being married to Nicolas Sarkozy's half brother). We owe MK&A for allowing us to perpetually wish we had a twin, or just that we could end up with some hot Australian boyfriend instead. 

Their outfits here are two complete ends of the spectrum

They love helping each other out and giving the other advice

MK&A were never afraid to take risks, teaching their viewers a vital life lesson

They made us feel as if The Parent Trap just continued for years and years

MK&A always wore the most cutting-edge clothing (plus, this is Billboard Dad after all) 

They practically reinvented the "meet cute"

They were always on the move, which made us jealous of all the various places they traveled to

 The Bahamas and Atlantis couldn't have asked for better promo

The Bahamas and Atlantis couldn't have asked for better promo

Let the nostalgia seep in while we celebrate the real Gemini twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley.

Chad, 'The Bachelorette' Villain, is a Leo

Lena Grossman

Bachelor nation, we know we have a clear favorite for our villain this season. 

Chad, oh Chad. Can we even call you Chad? How are you for real? So many questions, so much understanding left to be done.

After some digging on Chad's background, we've discovered that Chad is a Leo. Upon initial thought that he could be a Scorpio because of his intensity, mystery, and no-BS attitude, his Leo attributes truly make complete sense now. 

Monday's episode of The Bachelorette hardly warrants any special attention except for incidents involving the Chad. Once you take a step back and comprehend that Chad is a Leo, everything about him begins to make way more sense. Here are some examples why Chad embodies all things Leo.

Leo's are all about appearance

Throwback to the time Chad was doing pull-ups outside next to the pool with HIS SUITCASES attached by a chain to his stomach. The men in the bachelor mansion must be bored out of their minds, so what else is there to do except for work on their physique and obsess over Jojo even though they've only met her literally 2 other times? 

Chad is also the known "meathead" of the group—last week he was seen shoving handfuls of deli meat throughout the cocktail party and even the rose ceremony. Bro's gotta swole up.

Leo's think of themselves as royalty 

Well, yeah, because they're a lion and obviously king of he jungle. Chad's pride and self-confidence probably intimidates the other men in the house, which is why they're so fond of attacking his actions. This week, Chad had the ultimate DGAF moment on that awkward group date when he went in for the kiss with Jojo on stage and she turned her face so he could kiss her cheek instead. Look, props to the Chad for going for it in front of all the other men.

Chad's mindset that he's took good for the group dates also really exemplifies his "I'm better  than you because I'm king" mentality. 

Leo's are also bossy and can be totally full of themselves

This personality trait is abundantly clear, but it reached new heights when the rest of the guys in the house decided to invest in a 24/7 security guard because they "felt unsafe." All of the men in the house have referred to Chad as some variation on a ticking time bomb, and the security guards are just one buffer to shield themselves when Chad inevitably explodes.

Chad also evidently bought the website domains for a few contestants on the show and they all link back to...his Instagram.

Chad is good looking and he knows it

Typical Leo move.

But we have to save the best quote for last

 Damn Daniel the Canadian (what does one do when their official occupation is Canadian??) has always had an alliance with Chad from the start, so he decided to play the peacekeeper and tell Chad to cool it. Their conversation went something like this:
Daniel: "Let's just say you're Hitler...or Trump..."
Chad: "I don't want to be Hitler."
Daniel: "Ok, Mussolini. Let's try to be more Mussolini. Or Bush."

Maybe Daniel the Canadian should change his occupation to Historian. 

Libra: Perception vs. Reality

Align

WHO MY FRIENDS THINK I AM: "You've been watching contouring videos again, haven't you?"

WHO SOCIETY THINKS I AM: "You would make an excellent judge."

WHO I THINK I AM: "Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry" (Jack Kerouac).

WHO I REALLY AM: "Idk."

Pisces: Perception vs. Reality

Align

WHO MY FRIENDS THINK I AM: "Do you want to Venmo me for the MDMA?"

WHO SOCIETY THINKS I AM: "All we are saying is give peace a chance" (John Lennon).

WHO I THINK I AM: "Everything we are and everything in the universe and on Earth originated from stardust, and it floats through us."

WHO I REALLY AM: "Bottle service!"