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'The Bachelorette' Contestants as Cancer Traits

Lena Grossman

With the dawn of Cancer season aligning with the beginning of the end of The Bachelorette, this week felt like the opportune time to merge the two together. Rather than a recap, we're going to let Cancer season take charge of this week's episode of The Bachelorette. Here's a 4 sentence summary of the episode for anyone who doesn't feel like watching 2 hours of television: Jojo and the men are in Argentina. Wells has his first kiss with Jojo but then gets sent home because there's no chemistry. Derek and Chase have an awkward 2-on-1 which ends surprisingly when Chase gets the rose even though he shows absolutely no emotion and Derek cries for you, Argentina. James Taylor whines a lot but Jojo keeps him around and doesn't send anyone home. The end.

Cancers are pretty emotional signs—they're water signs, so many feels—which is why Jojo's suitors and the crabs need to combine into one.

Luke: the hometown hero

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Cancers are sensitive, sensual, and all about keeping close to home. Luke served in the Army as a platoon leader, which is as literal as it gets to protecting one's home. Luke bleeds that Texas drawl—in a more charming way than James Taylor—and it feels like he would take Jojo back to his sprawling ranch and the two could live happily ever after. Luke is allegedly a Scorpio, so he understands those water sign needs and feelings as well.

Jordan: persistence is key

Cancers like keeping everything stable and persistent, which helps them become extremely determined and focused. Jordan has been very polarizing this season, because it's unclear whether he's in this for the fame or for love. Why not both? However, Jordan has been very tenacious this entire season in his attention for Jojo. Hell, he even stole the first kiss. You gotta give that guy credit for something.

Robby: manipulation man

Robby the former pro swimmer with rainbow swim trunks has become a bigger frontrunner these past few episodes. During their one-on-one, Robby told Jojo he loved her. Talk about 0 to 100 real quick. Something is definitely up with Robby and we just don't know what yet. Rumor has is that he broke up with his girlfriend of almost 4 years to go on the show (and she looks scarily similar to Jojo), but all of that has yet to be confirmed. Robby is also a Capricorn, so he knows exactly what he wants and how to get it.

Alex: the protective one

Alex definitely embodies Cancer spirit: he's hard on the outside, but maybe pretty soft on the inside. He cares about Jojo but doesn't really know how to show it, other than doing backflips on sand dunes or just repeating "I can feel myself develop feelings for you." Throwback to all the Chad drama. Alex's protectiveness of Jojo was palpable. He wanted to save her from Chad's antics, and he prevailed after that 2-on-1 being dubbed "the dragon slayer."

James Taylor: afraid to get hurt

On this week's episode, James Taylor had so much screen time because he couldn't stop talking about how badly he wanted time with Jojo. His insecurities were getting the best of him and he even tattled on Jordan for some weirdo poker rules, calling him "entitled." Cue the drama. James Taylor has a lot of emotions and he wants to protect himself and prevent his feelings from getting hurt. While he may seem like America's sweetheart at the moment, it's clear he can't compete in Jojo's heart with the likes of Jordan, Robby, and Luke.

Chase: the private one

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Chase survived the awkward 2-on-1 even though it felt like Derek would get the rose the entire time. Chase, unlike the rest of the guys, seems to have a difficult time with emotions. He basically only speaks in monotone sentences and even when he was overjoyed that Jojo picked him over Derek, he still sounded like he was reciting words from the dictionary. Chase keeps to himself but opens up when the opportunity presents himself. Hopefully he can fine more of those moments sooner rather than later.

If only Chad were here to fill in the Cancer trait of enjoying fancy meals.