'The Bachelorette' Recap: The Final Rose

Monday night, The Bachelorette came to a captivating close as Jojo Fletcher handed out her final rose. 

Jojo’s family—made to be reality TV stars themselves (her brother actually was a minor reality TV star)—arrived in Thailand to find a giddy Jojo and two even giddier suitors. Even though this season ended in a not-so-shocking decision, the editing was definitely good enough to make us think for a hot sec that Robby actually had a shot at that final rose.

Meeting the 'rents

Jordan looked insanely uncomfortable most of the time when he was talking to Jojo’s parents. He may be polished and perfectly coiffed, but it was abundantly clear that the guy just wasn’t ready for an engagement. We all saw what (unfortunately) happened to both Luke and Chase when they waited just a tad too long to profess their love to Jojo. Jordan wasn’t ready for Jojo to say sayonara just yet, so he coughed up his best BS and told Jojo’s parents how much he loved her. However, he left out the most imperative question. While meeting the parents, Jordan never asked for Papa Fletcher’s blessing. Big oopsie there.

Robby, on the other hand, wowed the Fletcher fam beyond belief. He kept referring to Jojo as Joelle and even asked both parents for their blessing. Robby is a key manipulator. He knows how to work the situation best, which is exactly how and why the Fletchers were team Robby all the way. His whole “commitment is a lifetime thing” spiel won over their hearts and even Jojo’s notoriously judgmental brothers couldn’t find a flaw in Robby (hello...loafers without socks is one). 

After some tears about being indecisive, Jojo goes on dates with both of them and they look at photos of their special memories together. For instance, look, there’s that rock that we stood on in Uruguay. I love you. 

Jojo cried a lot after learning that Jordan never asked for her parent’s permission, which then led to an awkward encounter in Jordan’s Marriott hotel room, where she basically told him he had to talk to her parents. And he very well did.

The Final Rose

Both men wrote “emotional” love letters to Jojo, expressing their gratitude and feelings onto small journal paper. Jojo read these proclamations of love with awkward voice-overs by both men for their respective letters, which made the experience even more cringe-worthy.

Finally, after the men have chosen their gigantic Neil Lane diamond engagement rings, they arrive one-by-one at the beach. In typical dramatic, Bachelor fashion, we see the feet first and assume it has to be Jordan because it’s a pair of loafers with socks. And we know Robby wears his loafers sans socks. It’s Robby, though!! Surprise!!!!!!!! 

In the most monotone speech of his life wherein he tells Jojo how their love is forever and whatnot, he basically could be reciting the dictionary in alphabetical order. That’s how bored he sounds.  Jojo, however, told him that she did love him and she “always wanted it to be him,” but he just didn’t make the cut. After she admits she “can’t let him get down on one knee” Robby pretends to look sad for a hot sec and then sulks to the limo and leaves.

Jordan’s proposal was nice and Jojo interrupted him to tell him that she loved him. Aw. Cute. We saw that coming from night one.

Well, best wishes to the happy couple. Will their Virgo-Sagittarius relationship last? Can Jordan be fiery and interesting enough for Jojo? Only time (and tabloids) will tell.

Blinded by the light

A Bachelorette finale wouldn’t be complete without an episode of After the Final Rose and some more awkward conversations with Chris Harrison, who has seemingly received less and less air time over the seasons. 

It’s a miracle no one got blinded by Robby’s extremely apparent fake teeth. We aren’t just talking about a quadruple dosage of Crest White Strips. These were Emily Maynard-status veneers going on. 

Robby is a Capricorn--he wants what he wants and won’t stop til he gets it. The veneers and over-polished look is all a part of his plan for whatever Bachelor franchise part is coming his way next.

A French fry for your thoughts

6 Ways to Make a Cancer Fall In Love With You

Part of being a Cancer means showing affection and deep care to friends and loved ones. Cancers cherish friendship and relationships, which is why they tend to be so overly sensitive when it comes to feelings. If you're into a Cancer and they seem lukewarm to you at the moment, there could be a number of possibilities as to why. Cancers take a little bit to open up because they're used to be in their protective shell. But have no fear! There are a few easy ways to help make a Cancer become obsessed with you.

1. Take them on a picnic

Cancers love spending quality time with friends and family, so taking them out to a chill, relaxed picnic is a perfect way to help Cancer break out of their shell and into your heart.

2. Tell Cancer you already have your 401(k) and IRA set up

Cancers tend to be obsessed with financial security and monetary situations. There's no sweeter words to Cancer's ears than telling them you went to Wells Fargo over the weekend and deposited some money into your checking account.

3. Compliment their home literally nonstop

From the pebbles in the driveway to the wallpaper in the living room—never stop telling Cancer how you think their home is beautiful. Home is where the heart and soul is for Cancer. Telling them that will mean the world to them.

4. Say you LOVE kids and want a lot of them

Cancers are homemakers, and what's a home without children?

5. Go out to a comedy or improv show

Sure, Cancers are sensitive people, but no one appreciates a good laugh more than the crab.

6. Surprise them with a trip to Home Depot

So you two can paint the kitchen or plant a garden in the front yard together. 

'The Bachelorette' Contestants as Cancer Traits

With the dawn of Cancer season aligning with the beginning of the end of The Bachelorette, this week felt like the opportune time to merge the two together. Rather than a recap, we're going to let Cancer season take charge of this week's episode of The Bachelorette. Here's a 4 sentence summary of the episode for anyone who doesn't feel like watching 2 hours of television: Jojo and the men are in Argentina. Wells has his first kiss with Jojo but then gets sent home because there's no chemistry. Derek and Chase have an awkward 2-on-1 which ends surprisingly when Chase gets the rose even though he shows absolutely no emotion and Derek cries for you, Argentina. James Taylor whines a lot but Jojo keeps him around and doesn't send anyone home. The end.

Cancers are pretty emotional signs—they're water signs, so many feels—which is why Jojo's suitors and the crabs need to combine into one.

Luke: the hometown hero

Cancers are sensitive, sensual, and all about keeping close to home. Luke served in the Army as a platoon leader, which is as literal as it gets to protecting one's home. Luke bleeds that Texas drawl—in a more charming way than James Taylor—and it feels like he would take Jojo back to his sprawling ranch and the two could live happily ever after. Luke is allegedly a Scorpio, so he understands those water sign needs and feelings as well.

Jordan: persistence is key

Cancers like keeping everything stable and persistent, which helps them become extremely determined and focused. Jordan has been very polarizing this season, because it's unclear whether he's in this for the fame or for love. Why not both? However, Jordan has been very tenacious this entire season in his attention for Jojo. Hell, he even stole the first kiss. You gotta give that guy credit for something.

Robby: manipulation man

Robby the former pro swimmer with rainbow swim trunks has become a bigger frontrunner these past few episodes. During their one-on-one, Robby told Jojo he loved her. Talk about 0 to 100 real quick. Something is definitely up with Robby and we just don't know what yet. Rumor has is that he broke up with his girlfriend of almost 4 years to go on the show (and she looks scarily similar to Jojo), but all of that has yet to be confirmed. Robby is also a Capricorn, so he knows exactly what he wants and how to get it.

Alex: the protective one

Alex definitely embodies Cancer spirit: he's hard on the outside, but maybe pretty soft on the inside. He cares about Jojo but doesn't really know how to show it, other than doing backflips on sand dunes or just repeating "I can feel myself develop feelings for you." Throwback to all the Chad drama. Alex's protectiveness of Jojo was palpable. He wanted to save her from Chad's antics, and he prevailed after that 2-on-1 being dubbed "the dragon slayer."

James Taylor: afraid to get hurt

On this week's episode, James Taylor had so much screen time because he couldn't stop talking about how badly he wanted time with Jojo. His insecurities were getting the best of him and he even tattled on Jordan for some weirdo poker rules, calling him "entitled." Cue the drama. James Taylor has a lot of emotions and he wants to protect himself and prevent his feelings from getting hurt. While he may seem like America's sweetheart at the moment, it's clear he can't compete in Jojo's heart with the likes of Jordan, Robby, and Luke.

Chase: the private one

Chase survived the awkward 2-on-1 even though it felt like Derek would get the rose the entire time. Chase, unlike the rest of the guys, seems to have a difficult time with emotions. He basically only speaks in monotone sentences and even when he was overjoyed that Jojo picked him over Derek, he still sounded like he was reciting words from the dictionary. Chase keeps to himself but opens up when the opportunity presents himself. Hopefully he can fine more of those moments sooner rather than later.

If only Chad were here to fill in the Cancer trait of enjoying fancy meals.

5 Important Traits to Know About Cancers

Cancer season, like the summer solstice, are upon us. Even though the solstice technically occurred the other day, the beginning of the summer just feels better aligning with the commencement of cancer season. The weather is heating up and will quickly make us want to stay home and soak up as much air conditioning as possible. In fact, that's just what Cancer wants.

1. Cancers are homemakers

Cancer's symbol, the crab, represents their hard shell and soft inside. Crabs also use their shells as shelter—so they never stray from their own home. Cancers love inviting friends over for meals and showering you with attention, love, and food. So really, take up Cancer's offer on some summer poolside drinks or a barbeque. 

2. Cancers tend to have a parent-child duality

It's not Gemini season anymore, but that doesn't mean dualities can't exist for other signs as well. Cancers grapple with the balance of staying in charge as well as wanting attention. As mentioned above, Cancers focus on the home. They therefore fill both roles of parent and child to make the home feel more complete.

3. They can be super emtional

Not even just tear-jerking emotional, but moody, too. Cancers are water signs, which means a lot of their decision making reverts back to emotion rather than logic. They can also become easily overwhelmed by their emotions, so make sure to proceed with caution.

4. Cancers love that dough

Sure, pizza dough works too. Cancers focus on monetary success and financial well-being. As a sign who focuses mostly on the home, they want to make sure all their family and friends are provided for with the necessary means. Cancers are definitely no strangers to rainy day funds.

5. If you want to please a Cancer, take them out to a high-end meal

Who doesn't love a nice Michelin-starred restaurant? Cancer appreciates these gestures more than most signs because they love providing sustenance for others. Tell Cancer to take a breather, enjoy a meal, and have someone else make dinner for once.

Cancers feel comfortable in their own homes and building a hearth with other people's love and support. If you have a Cancer in your life, pay special attention and perhaps even surprise them with a nice meal or homely gesture.

The Bachelorette: Houston, We Have a New Villain

Jojo and her men continued on their journey of love this week starting in Pennsylvania and venturing all the way to Uruguay (note to James Taylor: Uruguay is a country in South America). The return of the Chad was less than anti-climactic, but we must commend the producers for leaving on the edge of our seats wondering what crazy antics Chad would come up with next. 

The last rose ceremony at Nemacolin Woodlands Resort (they had a great commercial btw and receive rave reviews on Trip Advisor) lacked some drama, but at least James F. read his poem to Jojo before he went home. Maybe he should stick to owning boxing clubs. Anyway, as the adventures in Uruguay unraveled, Jordan was blessed with the first date. Jordan and Jojo went yachting and swam with seals. So much better than Ben's season when they swam with hogs in the Bahamas. Jojo's affection for Jordan is pretty clear, making him seem like the Lauren B. of last season. However, the men love discussing how Jojo is so perceptive, and maybe one day they'll see past Jordan. Is he even here for the right reasons? Who knows.

If anything, we know Jordan is there for the spa days

On the group date, Jojo and the boys went sand surfing and Derek looked uncomfortable because he was jealous of the other guys. Derek then went full vulnerable boy and stole Jojo aside at the dinner party to tell her that he didn't want to "lose their connection" because he gets jealous of the other guys, which really shows how much he cares about her. The guys—mainly Alex—took it upon themselves to target Derek as the next villain. But is he actually the newest Chad? Only time will tell.

"America's hero" turns into a zero

Alex turned into the hero for a hot sec after he prevailed on the awkward two-on-one date. The men praised him because he got rid of Chad, therefore dubbing him "America's next hero." That mentality didn't last long, however, because Alex then took it upon himself to quickly find the next person to target. Is it Jordan? Is it Derek? Well, why not both? 

Alex clearly has a huge Napoleonic complex and needs to find other people to hate in order to save himself. For some reason, Alex took such offense to Derek's momentary vulnerability. Alex saw Derek's emotions as a ruse and an easy method of getting to Jojo by stepping on the other guys. As Alex said when Derek was confronting him, "We done here." We surely are not.

One quick clarification

There's Derek with the rose (who sometimes has an uncanny resemblance to John Krasinski):

And then there's Derrick Rose:

Robby could definitely be a frontrunner

Jojo's last one-on-one date in Uruguay with Robby finally gave him some air time. We know she likes him, and the date helped show why. They got the local treatment in Uruguay and then jumped off a cliff—into the depths of the unknown—and made out a lot. Robby then told Jojo he loved her because he lives a carpe diem life. Robby could definitely be the next Bachelor if Jojo decides to stick with Jordan.

Bye Evan and Damn, Daniel is gone

Perhaps the highlight of the episode was bidding adieu to Evan, the erectile dysfunction specialist with 3 kids. He looked genuinely so intrigued and baffled by the In Touch article drama about Jojo's ex-boyfriend, also aptly named Chad. Evan means well, but there was no way he could compete with the likes of Jordan and Robby. Maybe next time, Evan.

In other sad news, Damn Daniel the Canadian got sent home. He questioned Jojo's intentions and even went so far as to claim that if The Bachelorette were based on looks, he would obviously still be there. In fact, he would be the winner. Keep on winning, Daniel.

7 Times Mary-Kate & Ashley Were the Realest Geminis

On June 13, Mary-Kate and Ashely—aka the Olsen Twins, MK&A, the most influential people of our youth—turned 30. Does that make us feel old or what? 

MK&A began their acting career way in the early days of their youth on Full House and continued to grace the screen with their mystery series of "solving crime before dinner time" and numerous other films. We grew up with Mary-Kate and Ashley's different personalities and we saw them grow up on screen. From first kisses in Holiday in the Sun to some pretty hot boyfriends in New York Minute, MK&A never disappointed us with fun, adventurous, and envy-inducing movies. 

Their being twins also spookily falls right in the middle of Gemini season. MK&A so perfectly fit the Gemini mold because on screen they always played two opposite personalities. Off-screen, they had their dual lives of film and fashion. Now that they're over acting, they have fun socialite lives instead (hello Mary-Kate being married to Nicolas Sarkozy's half brother). We owe MK&A for allowing us to perpetually wish we had a twin, or just that we could end up with some hot Australian boyfriend instead. 

Their outfits here are two complete ends of the spectrum

They love helping each other out and giving the other advice

MK&A were never afraid to take risks, teaching their viewers a vital life lesson

They made us feel as if The Parent Trap just continued for years and years

MK&A always wore the most cutting-edge clothing (plus, this is Billboard Dad after all) 

They practically reinvented the "meet cute"

They were always on the move, which made us jealous of all the various places they traveled to

The Bahamas and Atlantis couldn't have asked for better promo

Let the nostalgia seep in while we celebrate the real Gemini twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley.