From The Vault: Summer Heights High

From The Vault is a series in which we analyze classic TV & Film characters to determine their matching astrological sign.

If there’s one key difference between American television and Australian television, it’s that politically correctness takes a backseat down under. Maybe it’s an anomaly and we’re just fulfilling our American stereotypes by assuming that this example represents all Australian shows, but regardless: we need to talk about Summer Heights High. 

The mockumentary aired in 2007 and follows three students at Summer Heights High: drama teacher Mr. G, exchange student Ja’mie and troubled youth Jonah—all three played by comedian and series creator and writer Chris Lilley. In some regards, you could say Summer Heights High is egalitarian in its approach to dark humor because it’s wildly offensive to all walks of life. 

It’s tongue-in-cheek, it’s controversial it’s all but begging for an astrological analysis. 

Mr. G: Gemini

The chatty, social Gemini often gets a bad reputation for being—for lack of a better phrase—shady as hell. These air signs are all about duality and Summer Heights High’s energetic drama teacher fits the bill perfectly. He’s self-centered yet has zero self-awareness. He’s a control freak and hypersensitive in the same moment. All the makings of a textbook Gemini! 

JONAH TAKALUA: CANCER

If you had to sum up Cancers in one word, it would hands down be moody. They’re ruled by the moon, which is constantly in flux, so let’s be real: you never know which side of the crab you’re gonna get. Will it be the soft, sensitive side or will you be at mercy of its pinchers? Jonah Takalua is Summer Heights High’s breakdancing champ and resident teen bad boy with a mercurial attitude which makes him most likely to be a Cancer. His penchant for causing trouble and taking absolutely no responsibility (classic crab) for it makes him a native to the ebb and flow of this complicated water sign.

JA’MIE KING: LEO

Ja’mie King is an exchange student from Sydney’s wealthiest private school for girls and you better fucking acknowledge that when you address her. She is loud, obnoxious, vain and could care less what the plebeians at Summer Heights High think of her. All that hubris can be only one thing: Ja’mie is a Leo through and through. These fire signs might as well run around yelling “Me! Me! Me!” all day—basking in the limelight is their natural state. 

'The Bachelorette' Recap: The Final Rose

Monday night, The Bachelorette came to a captivating close as Jojo Fletcher handed out her final rose. 

Jojo’s family—made to be reality TV stars themselves (her brother actually was a minor reality TV star)—arrived in Thailand to find a giddy Jojo and two even giddier suitors. Even though this season ended in a not-so-shocking decision, the editing was definitely good enough to make us think for a hot sec that Robby actually had a shot at that final rose.

Meeting the 'rents

Jordan looked insanely uncomfortable most of the time when he was talking to Jojo’s parents. He may be polished and perfectly coiffed, but it was abundantly clear that the guy just wasn’t ready for an engagement. We all saw what (unfortunately) happened to both Luke and Chase when they waited just a tad too long to profess their love to Jojo. Jordan wasn’t ready for Jojo to say sayonara just yet, so he coughed up his best BS and told Jojo’s parents how much he loved her. However, he left out the most imperative question. While meeting the parents, Jordan never asked for Papa Fletcher’s blessing. Big oopsie there.

Robby, on the other hand, wowed the Fletcher fam beyond belief. He kept referring to Jojo as Joelle and even asked both parents for their blessing. Robby is a key manipulator. He knows how to work the situation best, which is exactly how and why the Fletchers were team Robby all the way. His whole “commitment is a lifetime thing” spiel won over their hearts and even Jojo’s notoriously judgmental brothers couldn’t find a flaw in Robby (hello...loafers without socks is one). 

After some tears about being indecisive, Jojo goes on dates with both of them and they look at photos of their special memories together. For instance, look, there’s that rock that we stood on in Uruguay. I love you. 

Jojo cried a lot after learning that Jordan never asked for her parent’s permission, which then led to an awkward encounter in Jordan’s Marriott hotel room, where she basically told him he had to talk to her parents. And he very well did.

The Final Rose

Both men wrote “emotional” love letters to Jojo, expressing their gratitude and feelings onto small journal paper. Jojo read these proclamations of love with awkward voice-overs by both men for their respective letters, which made the experience even more cringe-worthy.

Finally, after the men have chosen their gigantic Neil Lane diamond engagement rings, they arrive one-by-one at the beach. In typical dramatic, Bachelor fashion, we see the feet first and assume it has to be Jordan because it’s a pair of loafers with socks. And we know Robby wears his loafers sans socks. It’s Robby, though!! Surprise!!!!!!!! 

In the most monotone speech of his life wherein he tells Jojo how their love is forever and whatnot, he basically could be reciting the dictionary in alphabetical order. That’s how bored he sounds.  Jojo, however, told him that she did love him and she “always wanted it to be him,” but he just didn’t make the cut. After she admits she “can’t let him get down on one knee” Robby pretends to look sad for a hot sec and then sulks to the limo and leaves.

Jordan’s proposal was nice and Jojo interrupted him to tell him that she loved him. Aw. Cute. We saw that coming from night one.

Well, best wishes to the happy couple. Will their Virgo-Sagittarius relationship last? Can Jordan be fiery and interesting enough for Jojo? Only time (and tabloids) will tell.

Blinded by the light

A Bachelorette finale wouldn’t be complete without an episode of After the Final Rose and some more awkward conversations with Chris Harrison, who has seemingly received less and less air time over the seasons. 

It’s a miracle no one got blinded by Robby’s extremely apparent fake teeth. We aren’t just talking about a quadruple dosage of Crest White Strips. These were Emily Maynard-status veneers going on. 

Robby is a Capricorn--he wants what he wants and won’t stop til he gets it. The veneers and over-polished look is all a part of his plan for whatever Bachelor franchise part is coming his way next.

A French fry for your thoughts

6 Ways to Make a Cancer Fall In Love With You

Part of being a Cancer means showing affection and deep care to friends and loved ones. Cancers cherish friendship and relationships, which is why they tend to be so overly sensitive when it comes to feelings. If you're into a Cancer and they seem lukewarm to you at the moment, there could be a number of possibilities as to why. Cancers take a little bit to open up because they're used to be in their protective shell. But have no fear! There are a few easy ways to help make a Cancer become obsessed with you.

1. Take them on a picnic

Cancers love spending quality time with friends and family, so taking them out to a chill, relaxed picnic is a perfect way to help Cancer break out of their shell and into your heart.

2. Tell Cancer you already have your 401(k) and IRA set up

Cancers tend to be obsessed with financial security and monetary situations. There's no sweeter words to Cancer's ears than telling them you went to Wells Fargo over the weekend and deposited some money into your checking account.

3. Compliment their home literally nonstop

From the pebbles in the driveway to the wallpaper in the living room—never stop telling Cancer how you think their home is beautiful. Home is where the heart and soul is for Cancer. Telling them that will mean the world to them.

4. Say you LOVE kids and want a lot of them

Cancers are homemakers, and what's a home without children?

5. Go out to a comedy or improv show

Sure, Cancers are sensitive people, but no one appreciates a good laugh more than the crab.

6. Surprise them with a trip to Home Depot

So you two can paint the kitchen or plant a garden in the front yard together. 

From The Vault: Rick and Morty

From The Vault is a series in which we analyze classic TV & Film characters to determine their matching astrological sign.

Adult Swim’s Rick and Morty oscillates between irreverent and disturbing. The animated comedy follows Rick Sanchez, a brilliant albeit selfish alcoholic scientist who takes his grandson Morty on his intergalactic anarchist adventures. It’s the go-to cartoon for the cerebral minded—it’s constantly questioning societal norms, but not to fret, you’ll still get your fair share of flatulence humor.

Rick Sanchez: Capricorn

As the mastermind behind each episode’s intergalactic adventure, Rick Sanchez’ antics reflect that of Capricorn natives. His resourceful and analytical nature is what helps him and his grandson navigate the terror of both Earth and the other universes they frequent and without Rick, Morty would without a doubt be dead in an alternate dimension. His tenacity often get him into trouble with the Intergalactic Federation and his Capricorn tendency to be cold and keep his emotions severely in check is what ultimately causes Rick the most strife with his family. 

Morty Smith: Aries

Morty serves as Rick’s main sidekick is most likely born under Aries. He’s impatient, naive, doesn’t see things “big picture”—which is our kind way of saying he’s dumb—and has a deep, stirring temper that ignites when provoked. But he’s not without positive Aries traits! His stupidity-fueled bravery propels him and Rick toward safety most of the time, and that has to count for something. 

Beth Smith: Cancer

Beth, much like her Cancer animal the crab, has a hard protective shell protecting her emotions from the cruelty of the world and her often blunt father. Yes, she’s a successful horse surgeon and caring mother on the outside, but inside she is a mess. Thank goodness for being a lush! 

Jerry Smith: Gemini

Jerry is constantly talking—even if no one is listening—and that alone makes him a Gemini. He’s deeply insecure about his marriage, career and relationship with his children and often switches between accepting his reality or breaking down into uncontrollable sobs. It’s very dark. He’s also a highly impressionable human, a trait that marks the air sign and makes his life a living hell. 

Summer Smith: Libra

Summer is the sole intelligent offspring of Beth and Jerry and is often shown caring about the ethics of her grandfather’s actions, has a clear diplomatic streak and has her feet firmly planted on the middle ground. Yes, she's still vapid and gravitates toward the superficial, but her passion for equality is sure to become a more prominent part of her personality as she grows older and experiences more of the tragedy the world has to offer. 

'The Bachelorette' Contestants as Cancer Traits

With the dawn of Cancer season aligning with the beginning of the end of The Bachelorette, this week felt like the opportune time to merge the two together. Rather than a recap, we're going to let Cancer season take charge of this week's episode of The Bachelorette. Here's a 4 sentence summary of the episode for anyone who doesn't feel like watching 2 hours of television: Jojo and the men are in Argentina. Wells has his first kiss with Jojo but then gets sent home because there's no chemistry. Derek and Chase have an awkward 2-on-1 which ends surprisingly when Chase gets the rose even though he shows absolutely no emotion and Derek cries for you, Argentina. James Taylor whines a lot but Jojo keeps him around and doesn't send anyone home. The end.

Cancers are pretty emotional signs—they're water signs, so many feels—which is why Jojo's suitors and the crabs need to combine into one.

Luke: the hometown hero

Cancers are sensitive, sensual, and all about keeping close to home. Luke served in the Army as a platoon leader, which is as literal as it gets to protecting one's home. Luke bleeds that Texas drawl—in a more charming way than James Taylor—and it feels like he would take Jojo back to his sprawling ranch and the two could live happily ever after. Luke is allegedly a Scorpio, so he understands those water sign needs and feelings as well.

Jordan: persistence is key

Cancers like keeping everything stable and persistent, which helps them become extremely determined and focused. Jordan has been very polarizing this season, because it's unclear whether he's in this for the fame or for love. Why not both? However, Jordan has been very tenacious this entire season in his attention for Jojo. Hell, he even stole the first kiss. You gotta give that guy credit for something.

Robby: manipulation man

Robby the former pro swimmer with rainbow swim trunks has become a bigger frontrunner these past few episodes. During their one-on-one, Robby told Jojo he loved her. Talk about 0 to 100 real quick. Something is definitely up with Robby and we just don't know what yet. Rumor has is that he broke up with his girlfriend of almost 4 years to go on the show (and she looks scarily similar to Jojo), but all of that has yet to be confirmed. Robby is also a Capricorn, so he knows exactly what he wants and how to get it.

Alex: the protective one

Alex definitely embodies Cancer spirit: he's hard on the outside, but maybe pretty soft on the inside. He cares about Jojo but doesn't really know how to show it, other than doing backflips on sand dunes or just repeating "I can feel myself develop feelings for you." Throwback to all the Chad drama. Alex's protectiveness of Jojo was palpable. He wanted to save her from Chad's antics, and he prevailed after that 2-on-1 being dubbed "the dragon slayer."

James Taylor: afraid to get hurt

On this week's episode, James Taylor had so much screen time because he couldn't stop talking about how badly he wanted time with Jojo. His insecurities were getting the best of him and he even tattled on Jordan for some weirdo poker rules, calling him "entitled." Cue the drama. James Taylor has a lot of emotions and he wants to protect himself and prevent his feelings from getting hurt. While he may seem like America's sweetheart at the moment, it's clear he can't compete in Jojo's heart with the likes of Jordan, Robby, and Luke.

Chase: the private one

Chase survived the awkward 2-on-1 even though it felt like Derek would get the rose the entire time. Chase, unlike the rest of the guys, seems to have a difficult time with emotions. He basically only speaks in monotone sentences and even when he was overjoyed that Jojo picked him over Derek, he still sounded like he was reciting words from the dictionary. Chase keeps to himself but opens up when the opportunity presents himself. Hopefully he can fine more of those moments sooner rather than later.

If only Chad were here to fill in the Cancer trait of enjoying fancy meals.

5 Important Traits to Know About Cancers

Cancer season, like the summer solstice, are upon us. Even though the solstice technically occurred the other day, the beginning of the summer just feels better aligning with the commencement of cancer season. The weather is heating up and will quickly make us want to stay home and soak up as much air conditioning as possible. In fact, that's just what Cancer wants.

1. Cancers are homemakers

Cancer's symbol, the crab, represents their hard shell and soft inside. Crabs also use their shells as shelter—so they never stray from their own home. Cancers love inviting friends over for meals and showering you with attention, love, and food. So really, take up Cancer's offer on some summer poolside drinks or a barbeque. 

2. Cancers tend to have a parent-child duality

It's not Gemini season anymore, but that doesn't mean dualities can't exist for other signs as well. Cancers grapple with the balance of staying in charge as well as wanting attention. As mentioned above, Cancers focus on the home. They therefore fill both roles of parent and child to make the home feel more complete.

3. They can be super emtional

Not even just tear-jerking emotional, but moody, too. Cancers are water signs, which means a lot of their decision making reverts back to emotion rather than logic. They can also become easily overwhelmed by their emotions, so make sure to proceed with caution.

4. Cancers love that dough

Sure, pizza dough works too. Cancers focus on monetary success and financial well-being. As a sign who focuses mostly on the home, they want to make sure all their family and friends are provided for with the necessary means. Cancers are definitely no strangers to rainy day funds.

5. If you want to please a Cancer, take them out to a high-end meal

Who doesn't love a nice Michelin-starred restaurant? Cancer appreciates these gestures more than most signs because they love providing sustenance for others. Tell Cancer to take a breather, enjoy a meal, and have someone else make dinner for once.

Cancers feel comfortable in their own homes and building a hearth with other people's love and support. If you have a Cancer in your life, pay special attention and perhaps even surprise them with a nice meal or homely gesture.