From The Vault: Emperor's New Groove

From The Vault is a series in which we analyze classic TV & Film characters to determine their matching astrological sign.

Disney knows how to pump out animated classics, but it’s a mystery as to why they’ve all but eschewed The Emperor’s New Groove from their proverbial magic kingdom. The film follows Emperor Cuzco, a clueless prince whose lavish lifestyle comes to a halt when he is accidentally transformed into a llama. It’s irreverent. It’s deranged. It’s the hands down funniest, most egregiously slept-on Disney feature out there. 

CUZCO: ARIES

Emperor Cuzco, the film’s protagonist, is without a doubt an Aries. As the baby of the zodiac, Cuzco is prone to temper tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants and is impulsive and hot-headed to the point of risking his life...he walks alone through the jungle at night only to almost get eaten by jaguars solely to prove a point. You see what we mean? It’s not all bad though—these fire signs are energetic and view life with childlike wonder, which is probably how he survived the emotional trauma of being TURNED INTO A LLAMA. 

PACHA: LIBRA 

Ah, Pacha. The moral compass of The Emperor’s New Groove. We meet him as he goes to Cuzco to defend his town from being unfairly demolished in order to build the emperor’s summer home. His kindness, wisdom, plus his penchant for fairness and doing the “right thing” makes him a likely candidate for the air sign Libra. With the scales as this sign’s glyph, you know that equality will always be a top priority for these natives.  

KRONK: VIRGO

Yzma’s henchman and aspiring chef Kronk is a sweet and sensible—albeit mentally slow—beefcake whose drive and work ethic make him likely to be a Virgo. These sensitive earth signs adore working with their hands, which makes sense considering how Kronk spends the majority of the film either cooking or disposing bodies into a river.

YZMA: SCORPIO 

As the film’s villain, Ymza is an outright Scorpio. The only thing these water signs love more than keeping secrets is power and Ymza literally has a secret lair under the palace where she plans Cuzco’s demise. There’s no way to convince us otherwise with evidence this strong!

From The Vault: RuPaul's Drag Race

From The Vault is a series in which we analyze classic TV & Film characters to determine their matching astrological sign.

If you think reality television is vapid and boring, you’re not watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. Created by the brilliant “Supermodel of the World” RuPaul Charles, Drag Race takes the typical reality show contest set up and injects it with irreverence. Contestants compete to be America’s Next Drag Superstar and show off their Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent in their mastery of the art of drag.

Aries:

Taurus:

Gemini:

Cancer:

Leo:

Virgo:

Libra:

Scorpio:

Sagittarius:

Capricorn:

Aquarius:

Pisces:

From The Vault: Sex and The City

From The Vault is a series in which we analyze classic TV & Film characters to determine their matching astrological sign.

It's common knowledge that HBO is king when it comes to putting out the most edgy and envelope pushing media, but no one could have guessed that their 1998 series Sex and the City would become formative television for multiple generations of viewers. A show about four women in their 30s--single women who loved sex and didn't care what anyone thought about it--became one of the most popular programs of all time with iconic characters who carved their place in television history. With six seasons and two feature films, we've ridden every emotional roller coaster with Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha and couldn't be happier about it. 

Carrie Bradshaw: Aquarius

There is not a single doubt in our minds: Carrie Bradshaw is a bonafide Aquarius. Just take a look at the girl--she is literally sauntering around Manhattan in a pink tutu during the show's opening credits. Beyond her at times questionable but mostly fabulous taste in fashion, Carrie is an aloof writer who communicates primarily in puns and hyperboles--it's a miracle anyone can understand what she's talking about half the time. Carrie is a ride-or-die friend and treats her her friends with the utmost respect and kindness which aligns perfectly with Aquarian ideals; these air signs value communication, friendship and equality above all else.

Miranda Hobbes: Capricorn

Miranda Hobbes, the no-nonsense lawyer of Sex and the City's friendship quartet is undoubtedly a Capricorn. Miranda is a woman with a plan: she's career-driven, she's pragmatic and she does not have time for anyone's shit. Miranda's workaholic tendencies are as Capricorn as it gets; these earth signs are practical, determined and ambitious. How else did she manage to have a flourishing career, maintain a social life and have a baby?

Charlotte York: Cancer

Sweet, sweet Charlotte York. This Upper East Side yuppie gets a hard time for being a certified baby about literally everything. But she can't help it! She's probably a Cancer and therefore ruled by the moon! Water signs are known as the sensitive creatures of the zodiac and Charlotte is no exception to this. The moon is the universe's symbol of feminine energy and Charlotte is obsessed with all things surrounding the image of home. The biggest romantic of the group, she wants matrimony and motherhood and she's not afraid to cry until she gets it. 

Samantha Jones: Sagittarius 

Last but not least, there's Samantha Jones. Out of the core four, Samantha is a true freak who couldn't be happier about it. A powerful PR executive by day, sexual deviant by night. Her adventurous spirit, optimism and outspoken honesty make Samantha a true Sagittarius. These fire signs love to wax philosophical and are always down for a good time. As the oldest of her friends, Samantha serves as a well of knowledge for her younger friends--Sagittarians love learning through experiences and sharing their newly found information with hopes of enriching the world. Plus, she's not afraid to give her friends a swift kick in the ass when they take life too seriously. 

Anniversary Gifts for a Libra

Let’s say you’re in a relationship and it’s that time of the year again: anniversary season. Let’s also say you’re dating a Libra and when you ask them what they want, they’ll probably just respond, “I don’t know”...#typical.

Ruled by Venus, the planet of love, beauty, and luxury, Libra has good taste and high expectations, so here's what we suggest you do on your Libraversary.

1. TICKETS TO SEE HE NAMED ME MALALA.

Intellectual and justice-minded Libra will love Malala's inspirational story.

2. FOR YOUR FEMALE LIBRA, A GIFT FROM REFORMATION.

Luxurious, fashionable, and eco-conscious, Reformation makes the clothes that every girl wants to wear. Libra will love the mission and the fashion behind these amazing garments.

3. FOR YOUR MALE LIBRA, A GIFT FROM JACK THREADS

4. PEDAL BOAT RENTAL

A little anniversary 'nature' getaway for the less nature minded among us.

5. THEIR FAVORITE PERFUME OR COLOGNE

Libra loves to look good, and they know that personal style extends to scents too.

6. SUBSCRIPTION TO GQ

With some of the best magazine writing out there right now, and a focus on men who other men want to be and who women want to be with, a GQ subscription will keep your Libra happy all year round.