From The Vault: Emperor's New Groove

From The Vault is a series in which we analyze classic TV & Film characters to determine their matching astrological sign.

Disney knows how to pump out animated classics, but it’s a mystery as to why they’ve all but eschewed The Emperor’s New Groove from their proverbial magic kingdom. The film follows Emperor Cuzco, a clueless prince whose lavish lifestyle comes to a halt when he is accidentally transformed into a llama. It’s irreverent. It’s deranged. It’s the hands down funniest, most egregiously slept-on Disney feature out there. 

CUZCO: ARIES

Emperor Cuzco, the film’s protagonist, is without a doubt an Aries. As the baby of the zodiac, Cuzco is prone to temper tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants and is impulsive and hot-headed to the point of risking his life...he walks alone through the jungle at night only to almost get eaten by jaguars solely to prove a point. You see what we mean? It’s not all bad though—these fire signs are energetic and view life with childlike wonder, which is probably how he survived the emotional trauma of being TURNED INTO A LLAMA. 

PACHA: LIBRA 

Ah, Pacha. The moral compass of The Emperor’s New Groove. We meet him as he goes to Cuzco to defend his town from being unfairly demolished in order to build the emperor’s summer home. His kindness, wisdom, plus his penchant for fairness and doing the “right thing” makes him a likely candidate for the air sign Libra. With the scales as this sign’s glyph, you know that equality will always be a top priority for these natives.  

KRONK: VIRGO

Yzma’s henchman and aspiring chef Kronk is a sweet and sensible—albeit mentally slow—beefcake whose drive and work ethic make him likely to be a Virgo. These sensitive earth signs adore working with their hands, which makes sense considering how Kronk spends the majority of the film either cooking or disposing bodies into a river.

YZMA: SCORPIO 

As the film’s villain, Ymza is an outright Scorpio. The only thing these water signs love more than keeping secrets is power and Ymza literally has a secret lair under the palace where she plans Cuzco’s demise. There’s no way to convince us otherwise with evidence this strong!

From The Vault: Arrested Development

From The Vault is a series in which we analyze classic TV & Film characters to determine their matching astrological sign.

A true testament to the strength of a comedy is how is holds up to multiple re-watches. Do the jokes have a shelf life or does each viewing reveal a new layer that leaves you praising the writers and the actors for their combined genius? Arrested Development is one of the most cerebral of comedies to come out of the 2000s—or maybe ever—and follows the sometimes highs, but mostly lows of the Bluths, a once incredibly wealthy Newport Beach family left broke by the fraudulent ways of the patriarch. It was cruelly canceled after three seasons, but its cult following was so strong that the series landed an additional season on Netflix in 2013, ten years after its first season aired. Hey, delusional families make for compelling television! 

Aries:

Taurus:

Gemini:

Cancer:

Leo:

Virgo:

Libra:

Scorpio:

Sagittarius:

Capricorn:

Aquarius:

Pisces:

From The Vault: RuPaul's Drag Race

From The Vault is a series in which we analyze classic TV & Film characters to determine their matching astrological sign.

If you think reality television is vapid and boring, you’re not watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. Created by the brilliant “Supermodel of the World” RuPaul Charles, Drag Race takes the typical reality show contest set up and injects it with irreverence. Contestants compete to be America’s Next Drag Superstar and show off their Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent in their mastery of the art of drag.

Aries:

Taurus:

Gemini:

Cancer:

Leo:

Virgo:

Libra:

Scorpio:

Sagittarius:

Capricorn:

Aquarius:

Pisces:

From The Vault: Clueless

From The Vault is a series in which we analyze classic TV & Film characters to determine their matching astrological sign.

Clueless is one of the most defining and vital movies for anyone who grew up during the 90's. Or, for anyone who grew up ever. Cher Horowitz exists as the perfect Beverly Hills princess who you absolutely can't hate because she made "As If!" acceptable to say. Cher is the girl we all want to be, esp because she gets to make out with young Paul Rudd.

Cher: Leo

Cher is 100% bona fide Leo. It seems near impossible for her to be anything else. Cher is a leader: she's in the popular crowd, she can argue her way to better grades, and she's the ultimate trendsetter. Cher's softer side, however, shows her deep insecurity with wanting to be loved. It's all she wants, just like a typical Leo. She pulls out all the stops for Christian, but becomes so heartbroken when she realizes he isn't actually into her (or women). Her epiphany for Josh, however, overtakes her and she realizes how attracted she is to his intelligence and affection.

Leos are known for their style, and Cher defines fashion icon in this film. Is there anyone who doesn't want her computerized closet?! No one can pull off yellow or plaid quite like Cher Horowitz. She knows what styles work best for her and rocks it. Cher most certainly is queen of the Bronson Alcott High School jungle, and if anyone tries to take her down, as if. 

Josh: Libra

Sweet, intellectual Josh. He's a total people pleaser, he's super intelligent, and he's always doing this for the benefit of others. Remember when he went to the party and danced with Tai because she was standing alone? Remember when he picked up Cher from the valley after she got robbed? Remember when he taught Cher how to drive? Josh is a total romantic without ever admitting it. His cool demeanor (aka reading Nietzsche and wearing a leather jacket) shows that he likes doing things on his own, but he loves having other people's company at the same time.

Dion: Scorpio

We need to take a moment to separate Dion from Stacey Dash IRL. Now that that's done, Dion is a Scorpio. She's intense and is never afraid to share what's on her mind. She and Murray have a fascinating relationship, but Dion is super sexual which intimidates Cher. Scorpios tend to have many transformations in their lives, which makes sense in Dion's tumultuous relationship with Murray. Scorpios also like making an impact on the world, hence why she and Cher devise the plan to set up Mr. Hall and Miss Geist.

Tai: Gemini

This is undoubtedly one of the most epic lines in film history.

In this movie, Tai suffers from the typical Gemini 2-personality syndrome. On her first day, she arrives all grungy looking like a lost cause. Thankfully, she gets taken under Cher's wing and transforms into someone who can even use the word "sporadic". Tai always has the rebel within her, even during her popular dolled-up phase. Her relationship with Travis in the end is the cherry on top of her circle of life at Bronson Alcott High.

Murray: Sagittarius

Murray is a Sagittarius because he lives for adventure. It takes a lot of guts to drive on the freeway with Dion (and Cher in the backseat), but he's also always down to travel far distances for a good party. When Murray shaved his head he proved that he lives for freedom and spontaneity.

Christian: Aquarius

Christian is the ultimate chill, attractive, well-dressed guy we all want to be friends with. He constantly knows how to have a good time and clearly has the hook-ups to great parties. Christian separates himself from his emotions most of the time, which makes him such a great friend to Cher. He's fun to be around and dedicated to his loved ones.

Travis: Pisces

Travis is the stoner who we all love in the movie but hated having class with him in high school. He's so lovable, cares so much for Tai, and really just wants to make the world happier with his skateboarding tricks. His last name is literally Birkenstock. His most Pisces moment, however, was in his acceptance speech for having the most tardies. Never forget: "I would like to thank my parents for never giving me a ride to school, the LA City bus driver who took a chance on an unknown kid and last but not least, the wonderful crew from McDonalds who spend hours making those Egg McMuffins without which I might never be tardy." 

Mr. Horowitz: Capricorn

The guy is a workaholic but also loves Cher to the moon and back. He's a bona fide Cap daddy.

Elton: Aries

Elton breathes Aries fire because he's hot, popular, and extremely obvious about his affection for Cher. He flirts with her nonstop and is pretty obsessive about being with her. 

Amber: Aries

Amber and Elton make the perfect Aries couple because they're both very self-centered and sensitive. Elton probably has some water in his chart, whereas Amber is full fire. She gets angry whenever Cher beats her at a debate and her trademark response of "whatever" couldn't be more Aries.

Mr. Hall: Virgo, Miss Geist: Taurus

Thank goodness Cher accidentally took her dad's "sucky Italian roast" and gave it to Mr. Hall to share with Miss Geist. Mr. Hall is a workaholic as well, but a perfectionist and judgmental one at that, which is why he's most likely a Virgo. His relationship with Miss Geist, however, turns him head-over-heels and his vulnerability and love shines through. 

Miss Geist's obsession with the Pismo Beach Disaster relief and other philanthropic efforts brand her as a Taurus. Miss Geist is super sensual, a little unobservant, and always about being around happy people. She makes Mr. Hall a more pleasant person, and we can tell that Miss Geist is all about the simplest pleasures in life.

From The Vault: Sex and The City

From The Vault is a series in which we analyze classic TV & Film characters to determine their matching astrological sign.

It's common knowledge that HBO is king when it comes to putting out the most edgy and envelope pushing media, but no one could have guessed that their 1998 series Sex and the City would become formative television for multiple generations of viewers. A show about four women in their 30s--single women who loved sex and didn't care what anyone thought about it--became one of the most popular programs of all time with iconic characters who carved their place in television history. With six seasons and two feature films, we've ridden every emotional roller coaster with Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha and couldn't be happier about it. 

Carrie Bradshaw: Aquarius

There is not a single doubt in our minds: Carrie Bradshaw is a bonafide Aquarius. Just take a look at the girl--she is literally sauntering around Manhattan in a pink tutu during the show's opening credits. Beyond her at times questionable but mostly fabulous taste in fashion, Carrie is an aloof writer who communicates primarily in puns and hyperboles--it's a miracle anyone can understand what she's talking about half the time. Carrie is a ride-or-die friend and treats her her friends with the utmost respect and kindness which aligns perfectly with Aquarian ideals; these air signs value communication, friendship and equality above all else.

Miranda Hobbes: Capricorn

Miranda Hobbes, the no-nonsense lawyer of Sex and the City's friendship quartet is undoubtedly a Capricorn. Miranda is a woman with a plan: she's career-driven, she's pragmatic and she does not have time for anyone's shit. Miranda's workaholic tendencies are as Capricorn as it gets; these earth signs are practical, determined and ambitious. How else did she manage to have a flourishing career, maintain a social life and have a baby?

Charlotte York: Cancer

Sweet, sweet Charlotte York. This Upper East Side yuppie gets a hard time for being a certified baby about literally everything. But she can't help it! She's probably a Cancer and therefore ruled by the moon! Water signs are known as the sensitive creatures of the zodiac and Charlotte is no exception to this. The moon is the universe's symbol of feminine energy and Charlotte is obsessed with all things surrounding the image of home. The biggest romantic of the group, she wants matrimony and motherhood and she's not afraid to cry until she gets it. 

Samantha Jones: Sagittarius 

Last but not least, there's Samantha Jones. Out of the core four, Samantha is a true freak who couldn't be happier about it. A powerful PR executive by day, sexual deviant by night. Her adventurous spirit, optimism and outspoken honesty make Samantha a true Sagittarius. These fire signs love to wax philosophical and are always down for a good time. As the oldest of her friends, Samantha serves as a well of knowledge for her younger friends--Sagittarians love learning through experiences and sharing their newly found information with hopes of enriching the world. Plus, she's not afraid to give her friends a swift kick in the ass when they take life too seriously. 

From The Vault: Daria

From The Vault is a series in which we analyze classic TV & Film characters to determine their matching astrological sign.

High school has been equated to Certified Hell for generations, but starting in 1997 angst-ridden teenagers had the opportunity to matriculate with Daria Morgendorffer by their side. The eponymous character of the MTV animated series was sardonic, clever and most importantly over it. Who can't relate to that?

Daria Morgendorffer: Virgo

With her penchant for being deeply critical of her peers and the structures of society, Daria is likely to be a Virgo. These earth signs are intelligent creatures who typically thrive on a healthy dosage of solitude. Virgos have high expectations for those around them (and just as often themselves), which aligns with how Daria considers everyone at Lawndale High, with the exception of Jane Lane, to be idiots.

Quinn Mordgendorffer: Pisces

Daria's younger sister Quinn is often unfairly judged as vapid and vain. Sure, she's cute, popular and the most sought after girl at Lawndale High...but she's so much more than that! Quinn has a Piscean deepness that she hides well for fear of besmirching her reputation, but as the series progresses, she realizes that wants more than what the proverbial "cool kids" can offer her. She has a tenderness about her, and despite what her sister thinks, is driven by a higher purpose.  

Jane Lane: Sagittarius 

As Daria's BFF and fellow misanthrope, Jane adds a bit of a philosophical flair to her snarky yet lively persona. She loves her freedom and leads her life with little to no interference from her parents, often serving as the driving force that gets Daria out of the house and into the world. With her easy-going attitude as well as her ability to make friends and fit in when she wants to (she's more aware of social graces than Daria will ever be), Jane is most likely a top candidate for the fire sign Sagittarius.

Trent Lane: Libra

Jane's older brother and the not-so-secret object of Daria's affection, Trent, is the Libra of the Daria universe. Librans are ruled by Venus--the planet of art, love and luxury--and Trent is often seen devoting himself to his band Mystik Spiral or sleeping. He's incredibly laid-back (re: lazy) and somewhat unreliable, but at times pulls through and serves as a mediator between Jane and Daria. In typical Libra fashion, Trent is kind, likable and above all, well-rested.